Top Ten Reasons Tilda Swinton Shouldn't be Allowed to Dress Herself

We love actress Tilda Swinton, we really do. And Today's Top Ten is in no way intended to criticize her acting abilities or her perpetually unfortunate haircut. No, this one's all about the outfits.

While she may be a very talented actress capable of bringing home the Oscar gold, the woman is a fashion nightmare. It's almost as if she set out on a personal mission of making every single Worst Dressed list ever conceived. Today, we look at ten of the reasons we think Ms. Swinton shouldn't be allowed to choose her own clothing.

10. The Glad Bag.
Seriously, folks. It looks like someone took a black trash bag, cut a hole for the head and ripped off one of the sleeves, which makes for an even scarier moment when that exposed arm is victoriously shaking an Oscar in the air. At the very best, it looks like a five-minute do-it-yourselfer. Gotta be on the red carpet in an hour? Grab a handy black satin bedsheet and sit down at the sewing machine.

9. The Golden Kahuna.
This outfit looks like someone bronzed a Hawaiian shirt and the bottom half of a mermaid costume. And what is going on in the back? She looks like she's trying to smuggle a backpack underneath her clothes.

8. The Radiant Monk.
There comes a time in every woman's life when she just needs to dress like she belongs in a Tibetan monastery. With this ultra-white tunic, billowy on the ends and awkwardly wrapped in the middle, with sandals to match, Tilda looks like she's ready to spend the afternoon wandering the countryside with Jesus and company.

7. The Antiqued Parlor.
Someone finally figured out how to make a dress out of gold Victorian wallpaper. And for an added bonus, there's a bedazzled starfish pin. Only slightly less disturbing is the bronzed makeup and reflective eyeshadow. Tilda, we know you're pale, hon. Just go with it.

6. The Black Curtain.
Again with the satin bedsheet, only this one looks more like it was already hanging as someone's window treatment. And is it just us or are those shoes unnaturally large? Tilda's got a perfect runway walk, but we're afraid she might trip over those giant clodhoppers, slide along on her slippery curtain and crash into something sharp.

5. The Pancho Villa.
We're not sure what's happening here. Are we campaigning for gay rights? Bringing the Mexican serape back into style? And adding to the overall bizarreness of this, uh, dress, we have some sort of sheer mosquito-net layer over the top of the whole thing. Seriously, Tilda. What evil bastard lets you leave the house looking like this?

4. The Mennonite Special.
While certainly not the worst outfit to appear on the list, the whole thing looks distinctly Amish, all the way down to the clutch that looks like it might be concealing a prayer book. In fact, we might have been tempted to write this one off as a costume from some sort of prairie film, but the stilettos argue otherwise. All that's missing now is the bonnet.

3. The Black and Tan.
Tilda Swinton has a recurring tendency to try to match the tone of her blouse to the current color of her hair, and it's always just a little bit scary. In this instance she's gone a step further, trying to match the hair and her blouse to the tone of her skin, leading us for one horrifying second to worry that the shirt might actually be see-through. Mercifully, it's only an optical illusion.

2. The Mustard Piñata.
Okay, there's simply no excuse for this one. No respectable actress goes out in public looking like Jennifer Lopez on ladies' night at the karaoke bar. We can't help but wonder if Tilda started with just the frumpy yellow dress, then thought to herself, "I have JUST the lampshade to go on top of that."

1. The Head-Exploder.
Words nearly fail us. Where to begin? The Strawberry Shortcake print? The olive nylon gloves? The incomprehensible layers of pink poof? And what on earth is she holding up to her eye? We offer up this final piece of couture catastrophe as our most compelling evidence that Tilda Swinton desperately needs to either stop dressing herself or make sure her personal stylist dies an excruciating, untimely death.